Renegade Runner

My first trip to the gym in... two? Nope. Three months... Finally. And I lied, I actually went to the gym once in those 3 months, but I ended up just sitting in the cafe and eating. Like a hungry lifting fool who just maxed out in a hard core lifting session, and yet I had just walked in and sat down. Whew. Handing the front desk worker my card to swipe really wiped me out! Totally deserves a smoothie, sandwich, and a cookie!

I have been in denial of my pathetic-ness for about the same amount of months. There was something about my attitude that kept me in a state of flat out stupidity and I just refused to believe I had gone that far from what I wanted to be. Then, like so many times, Derick brought me back. This is why he amazes me-

Early Morning Conversation:
Derick- "Let's make a goal chart for the next 5 days and see if you can do it."
Lauren- "Why? I get out the door and run... most of the time."
D- "Well, you could be doing a little more."
L- "WHAT? For real? My hamstring just won't get any better, it is hard to run and all that stuff when your hamstring hurts that much, jeez."
D- "You could be doing some things to help your injury..."
L- "Like what? Foam roll, totally do that...ah sometimes. And I know I need to do more core, I just don't like that stuff. Its... hard."
D- "It will help you run better."
L- "Gah, well I don't have time. I have to cook, work, clean, and do all this stuff! When am I supposed to do this?"
D- "I will help. I'll cook on the nights you get home late so you don't have to worry. I just want you to be able to look back in a few years and know that you gave everything you could to be the best runner you could. I'm not trying to make you do anything you don't want to, and if you are happy where you are at right now, then we are right where we should be. But if you want more, work for it."

Who in the heck says that? Right, my incredible bearded wonder. See how carefully he leads me to my major realization? He lets me complain, lets me get all the crap out, and then, BOOM, wakes me up!

I became quite the whiner some where in the last year and Derick has slowly tried to help me steer back in the right direction. I sat there, curled up on the floor after a 4 mile run, and realized that I could not look back on what I was doing so far and be satisfied with it. I couldn't even be proud of my last 365 days. Perspective usually comes with time, and my timing could be viewed as both late and early. It has taken me a year of doing the same lazy routine to realize that it is not helping and I can't get faster with it. Wimping out for a whole year is pretty bad. On the other hand, I didn't need a lifetime to realize that I have more to give, more to run, and more to discover. Thank goodness Derick has his mature moments side. :)

Totally my choice. I can look back and have to be happy with where I am, or not be satisfied and I can create a stronger me. That is the theme for this season- take everything that I think is too hard and do it. A month ago, everything I tried to do made me more tired. This week, I did my Running Fit class with Run On! and I went to the gym. I had forgotten how great a lifting session could feel. Something has definitely changed. Earlier in the year I wanted to go out and do some of the strengthening work outs, but I was exhausted. Now, something is finally clicking and it feels good to make my arms sore. I have missed that feeling so much. I know I finally made the choice to make a solid effort, but it feels different this time. Sore and tired is so different from wiped out and exhausted.

Could it possibly mean I am finally adapting to life after college? I have heard it can take up to two years from other runners who have gone through it before. Sounds about right. I just can't believe the difference that I felt. The past year I was sleeping awfully, eating terribly, and not doing the extremely important "little things". Am I sleeping better? Nope. Eating better? Possibly, but not consistently yet. Doing the non-running workouts? Starting the routine. The future may not look better yet, but today sure looks a hell of a lot better.

This isn't an I'm-ready-for-the-Olympic-trials realization, but it is definitely a ready-to-be-the-best-runner-I-can-be sort of deal. And I am going to need some majorly awesome music blasting through my headphones in order to make this happen. Also, I took it as a sign at the gym when Forrest Gump was playing on the televisions they had up. Let's see what can happen when I finally have some steam behind my miles...

Some of the most truthful advice I have gotten in the past year:
"Real elite athletes don't have real jobs Lauren. All they do is run, train, and have more talent than you. So, you can't really work a real job and think you can compete with them."
---Luckily, I love a challenge, and that sure sounds like a great one. Plus, I'm not trying to compete with them (yet). I just need my two feet to take me as fast as they can. My real job will just have to pay the bills until my feet can.

On my way to becoming, in all ways, a Renegade Runner...
Bring the miles
Bring the challenges
Bring the reasons
Bring the hurt
And I'll bring the Renegade
(with smiles)

Freaky Friday

The past few days I have been feeling pretty awful. My work outs were getting worse instead of better and everything just seems harder than normal. Not really the norm for me. I must have peed in a magic water fountain or opened a cursed fortune cookie and switched places with this other person I have been. Obviously these are the only logical explanations. Or maybe I tied my shoes the wrong way...

I was debating on what to do: take time off and give myself some rest or try and push though.

One of the toughest things to do in running is to figure out what pain is OK and what exhaustion level is OK. And where to draw the line. Even if you are being a good little consistent runner, the line is never consistent. One day, you are pushing through a calf cramp and a month later it is a torn hamstring. You fight being tired only to end up tapped out, burnt out. How can you tell what to run through?

Mostly, I think it is an individual choice. Since I believe that our choices help make us who we are, I take most of mine pretty seriously. So, it is hard to approach a choice of running or taking time off- except for SAS, I don't really want to be thought of as weak! But that leaves only one option: run through everything. Force it. Force it to work. Force your way through the hard, the tough, and the ugly. I always believed the right things would happen if I just made the tough choices.

One problem: Force is not the same as Confidence. Forcing your way through a work out means you can only do just that. Use force and get through. Force it till you can make it. Only this isn't a reality TV show and you can't just "fake it till you make it". Force is not fight, nor is it heart. It just is. The force I am talking about is not the drone defeating, Darth Vader slaying, Obi Wan Kenobi force. This is the dark side force. The one that should hardly ever be used. Forcing a work out, forcing that second run, forcing those drills can be the very thing that makes you weaker. Not stronger. The mental edge you could lose is not worth the physical gain.

At least to me, the key is to build those things into your routine. That is where the gain lies- building yourself into something instead of trying to bend yourself around some sort of plan. This past year I have forced a lot of things. Everything from mileage to recovery. I haven't built very much of anything. It is true that I have been trying to work on my weaknesses, but I feel like I have lost touch with my strengths. Example A: I am super at recovering, if I give myself time to do so. Doubling every day has left me more exhausted than anything I have ever done. That includes the SCAC meet where I ran the 1500m, 800m, and 5k all in the span of a few hours and lived. I was less tired then than I am now after some of my simple 40/20s. It is not really the doubling, but the fact that I am not giving myself the correct time to recover. There lies my one of my problems. I am forcing too much work. I wanted to be good really really fast. So just do it all at once, right?

Why would I have to force something I love to do, you ask? Well, simple. 'Tis because I have been fighting myself the whole way. My comfort zone is in middle distance work. Short. Quick. Painful. But over rapidly. My mental edge has always been in trying to stay stronger than my competitor just long enough to finish up the race. Try doing that in any distance over a mile...hard stuff. You have to have something else to keep you going. Confidence. Drive. Heart. And lots of Fire. You also have to have more than 30 miles a week. Switching gears like that has taken me to a whole new level of strength I didn't know I had, but it has called my lazy butt out on all the little things I never took that seriously. I did just enough core to keep my IT Band from flaring up. Just enough arm strengthening to keep me strong down the last stretch. Doesn't really scream FIRE at you does it? I wanted to be fast, I didn't understand everything it would take to get there.

While I may have lost sight of a few of my goals lately, and I have been struggling to keep my motivation up, I am definitely learning a lot. I know the base I have gained over the past year has been great. I know that forcing myself through some of those work outs showed me I can really do well at distances over 1500m! That is a huge step for me! My idea of rhythm during a work out used to be hitting 67's for 4x400 and calling it a night. Now I understand there is this wonderful groove that you can find during a tempo that takes you farther and faster than you think you can go. Taking the splits for those longer distances is addicting. You want to keep edging a little more time off each mile. I have definitely found my heart in some of those work outs and found a love for distances I never thought I would want to meet.

I am also learning a lot by reading what other runners are going through. My favorite runner used to be Shannon Rowbury. While she still has this special place in my mind, I have a few others making their way to the front of my inspiration block. I have been reading Lauren Fleshman's blog and I have to say I am a bit obsessed. Her attitude towards running and life has made me laugh, cry, and hope. She is an incredible runner and if I could end up with a shadow of her life I would be doing pretty well. There are runners everywhere trying to make the most of their legs. Runner's dreams riding on 10 toes, the strength of their bones, and the power and endurance in their muscles. While we are all taking different paths and running different roads, many of us hope to end up on the same track. Most professional runners seem to have had some sort of injury before, so at least I know I am not alone there! I have a long way to go until I even somewhat resemble a professional athlete, but until then, I will just say I am a pro runner trapped in a jogger's body. And smile on. With the help of people like Taylor Penrod at least I can look good while I do it!  

And one final note of good news- after spending a whole summer in Texas believing our apartment was supposed to get really hot over the summer, Derick and I now have a fully functioning air conditioner! I no longer wake up sweating unless I have the terrible "Revenge of the Runner Buns" dream again.

Awkward Long Legged Turtle

Shopping at Walmart.

Checking out and waiting for my receipt. Standing around for all 100 $ worth of groceries to be bagged.

Such a boring trip. Until I asked for quarters.

The cashier directed me to the bank behind me. Hauling myself over to the counter I asked if they could change out a roll of quarters. Laundry Mount Everest needed to be dominated. The guy seemed way to eager to help me.

And while my mom has always said I have a nice pair of these, I just thought they were too pale and awkward for the world. Until I moved to Texas. I guess the warm weather and some lifting have been doing me some good because the teller took a breath and spit out, "Just so you know, you have a really nice pair of legs." Whew. Glad he said legs. Wait? He said legs?

This was all happening to fast. I just needed quarters. Suddenly my running shorts felt too short and my shopping cart was way to heavy. I also felt the major need to flash my gorgeous engagement ring extra well when I reached for the necessary coins of domination that he was handing me. I was too embarrassed to say anything so I just turned to go. He called out, "I just thought you should know, they are nice!"

So awkward.

...

Are people in Texas just willing to say more? I had a guy come in at work and call me "A tall drink of water" right in front of his teenage daughter, who rolled her eyes and said, "Daaaad, please." I think Texans are a very confident group of people. It is pretty intimidating. 

SO I am just going to take myself back to the track. Put on my shoes. Try get some more miles under my belt. That is where I always feel at home. My legs are good at turning left. They have more freckles than muscles. And, besides causing me a little embarrassment, the are the most coordinated things I have. That isn't saying much, but it is what I am thankful for.

Life question- So if my legs look better after only a little bit of lifting, why don't my arms follow suit? SAS has made an all too triumphant return. Even with lifting they are still pretty pathetic. In fact, my trainer doesn't think I can even bench press the bar. Not that any runner needs to be able to bench press a bar, but I could do that when I was in junior high. This week's small goal is to prove I can hoist that dumb metal bar up over my face in a precarious position. Time to start praying!

SAS II

Today I can finally lift my arms above my head again.

Saturday was the first day in my entire life that I did the full complete movement of a pull-up. In fact, I did two sets of 15 pull-ups. No hopping, leaping, or wings were used. Only a  machine that took 70 pounds off of my body weight. I reminisced how a couple summers ago I trained for a while in order to do one single pull-up and failed. Even with the help of my tried and true gymtastic muscle woman, Emily Watts, I still couldn't do a pull-up that summer. Heck, I couldn't get myself halfway through the pull. Now I know what my problem is! I only have to lose 70 pounds and I will be able to do a pull-up and be fit!

Kidding. Completely.

About the losing weight part. Not about doing the pull-ups.

I honestly think it is hilarious that a pull-up is more intimidating and impossible to me than almost anything else I could try to do. Speaking in pulic is pretty far up there too, but I know that I can work my way throught that. Actually doing a pull-up with out any assistance is almost physically impossible for me. In fact, on my second set of 15 (at 70 pounds less than my normal weight) I looked down to see Kenny pulling the bar up to help me. Dangit. Kenny is the poor soul that is trying to help me get back into competitive form. Even for an incredible personal trainer like him and all his skills, I am a pretty big challenge to take on. But I am starting to see the pieces start appearing. They are really far from coming together, but at least I am giving myself something to work with. Trying to lay that foundation. 

How long do you think it will take me to cure my SAS?

SAS

What do you do with the days where you realize how far the road ahead of you really is?

Those very specific days of enlightenment where the headway you thought you had been making not only comes to a halt, but also crashes down and bursts into flames. I call it darkening enlightenment...

While my runs have been nothing spectacular anyways, I have been thinking "consistency is key" and I was proud of the fact that I had been running regularly! In fact, I was beginning to think I was getting back in the groove of things.

So I decided to take my groove and head over to Lifetime Fitness to work with a friend I had over there. My goal was to get my body ready for the kinds of intense tests and trials I was hoping to put it through in the upcoming years. In order to prepare and survive I knew I would need strength and power. Runners and athletes do not become great by doing just one thing. They cover all of the bases, shoot every shot, practice every move, and prepare every step. I have tried to help build my body into a machine before and I got pretty far, but this time around I was failing spectacularly. But I was still running and working hard on those runs. I was more worried about injury and prevention. My IT Band was acting up again...

Thus the goal was strength, but that hour I spent at the gym was more about realizing what I didn't have instead. I used to be able to hold a plank for 45 seconds, rest, and then do it a few more times. Not incredible before, but a big deal for me. (SAS aka Skinny Arms Syndrome) So when my friend suggested we start with planks I thought nothing of it. Little did I realize that soon my face would be red, cheeks puffed, and arms tormented. No, t'was not the trainer throwing me into boot camp, merely my own insufferable denial giving me more weight than I could take. I gutted my way through the first 45 seconds and then had to do the second try at 45 seconds broken up into 10 second on/off intervals. Wowzer. I knew I should have worn my shades in the gym, at least then I would have looked crazy enough for people to dismiss my poor physique and struggle bus lift techniques.

See, runners can not just run anymore. To compete, a runner has to stregthen every part of their body in order to beat out the competition by milliseconds. To compete with the best, a runner like me has to push her normal limits of conditioning every day just so I don't get lapped twice in a race with the American greats. Those amazing women out there are spending hours a day preparing themselves for the same tests, trials, and workouts that I wanted to go through. My thought was that I would be able to do what those women do for core, strength, and power along the way to competing with them and it would be just another part of the road I was on. A short, easy part. False. This road was getting longer with every step I took along it.

So, as I was watching my world, my hopes, and my dreams come pouring out of my sweat glands and catch aflame I figured that everyone in the gym was witnessing my epic meltdown. That is, until I watched a tall skinny blonde walk by me in nothing but booty shorts and sports bra talking on her cell phone (in the middle of the weight room...) Feeling slightly overdressed, I looked up from my lunge and noticed quite a few scantily clad and had a second enlightenment of the day. No one noticed the akward tall girl in the back lifting her 5 pounds over her head and wondering where the time went. Plus, no one knew the kind of power my lungs had or the miles my legs had crossed. While my butt may still be destroyed by twelve year old kids, barbie blondes, and mid-life crisis men in the gym, I still have some kick in me and can make a race more painful than most people would like it to be.  

What do I do with those days of enlightenment?

I pick up my pieces, gather the ruble, and resume building atop the ruins.

With one of my arms beating me down and the other picking me up, I am not really moving backwards. I just need something to help sway the balance towards improvement. (I think I can get my legs to join the cause) Plus SAS means they aren't beating me down that far...

Love the road, long and far