Bloomers

My Struggle Bus

Looking ahead is hard thing for me to do with running. My high school coach knew this and she would never tell me any of my workouts. I would be on the line waiting for her to say "GO" and right then is when she would tell me if I was going to do a 400 or an 800 or a 200 and then tell me the pace. Then I would take off, not knowing if I had 4 x 400, a ladder, or split 800's to do. She also didn't let me look at my watch during the work outs. She told me only if I was slow or fast for what I had just done and then afterwards went through the whole work out with me. I ate all of this up. It helped me deal with my problem of looking ahead. Too many minutes, too many repeats, and too many miles intimidate me and usually stop me in my tracks before I can even get started. But high school was simple, I did what coach said. There was no question and I didn't have to worry. I told my legs that what ever she said we could do we would just have to do. I was confident because she was. She said run faster and I would.

In college, I was told more. There was a weekly schedule and it had our work outs laid out. Now, I did my best to put on my big girl work out pants and get through everything but there were quite a few work outs where I did not think I could get through everything. In order to get to that next level though I had to realize the work I was putting into the season was good enough. My college coach helped me take my running and make me confident in myself. I still depended on him to believe in me, but I also found a new belief in myself. One that had been there since I started running, but he helped me turn it from just hoping to believing. He said believe you can run faster and I would.

But I still had problems with numbers. I would line up for a 5k race on the track and just try not to panic when I heard "12 and a half laps, ladies to your marks". My perfect day was all of 2 laps. A 5k was 10 and a half more! The only way I used to get through these moments was to tell myself that the last 10 laps were not for me, they were for my team. In cross country I had to go into every race telling my legs that they could not fail after the first mile because the team needed them to place well. Thinking on the line about the 21 or 22 minutes that I would be out there was like a death sentence. Even though I loved to run, I have been in enough races to know the demand that gets put on you mentally and physically during those minutes. And it always scared the hell out of me. But I truly did love doing it for other people. I could endure it all for those tiger stripes. They said, we need you to run faster and I would.

Now, welcome to present day. I graduated. Took some time off. Got engaged. Did life. Got a job. And tried to come back to running. Still scared of numbers, minutes, and miles. This is also the first time I have to do this for my self. I don't have any team to numb the pain or force it away. I get to face it. I have hid from it for a long time but this is what decides whether or not I can keep going and keep racing. To me this is not just conquering a fear but doing a Napolean and trying to change the whole world (even if it is just my little one).

Luckily, I know I still have one thing in my pocket that helps. I love a challenge. Tell me what I can't do and I will show you what I can do. Find a reason for me to not make it and I will show you 10 more why I should. That is what running is- a basic struggle with your body. Your lungs tell you they can't breathe and your legs say no more steps. Your heart says critical and your feet say pain. But if you just ask of them one more breathe, one more step, one more beat, and one more try they will give it to you. And you take those little victories and sally forth! Even if I am just fighting with my own soul, it is a challenge. I don't know if I can do this, but I can't wait to prove myself wrong! My turn to say run faster: and I will.

Time to bloom
'Tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes!
~William Wordsworth,